Full House, You Lose
by Nitesh
Summary: When Yusuke dies, one of the Team Urameshii members feels like he was the killer. How far will he go to make sure he does not kill another of his friends? And how can they stop him from doing something terrible?
1. Of Auras, Despair and Ultimate Sacrifice

Hello all!  I hope you like my fic and don't forget to review!

I see.

What's a life?

Played it

Like a card

You were never that good at cards,

My friend.

But you laughed off your loss,

I know you did.

I can hear you laughing.

I'm not.

You only get one life

One chance

One destiny

One true light

And you wasted that

All for my deck to be able to

Fold.

Full House, You Lose

Episode One- Of Auras, Despair and Ultimate Sacrifice

            "Is it any better?"

            "No, it is not."

"He doesn't blame himself, does he?"

"Of course he does.  He hasn't moved at all, let alone from that spot, for three days.  Hasn't eaten, refuses sleep."  

Voices.  Voices behind me, probably coming from the hall outside door.  Spoken low, whispering.  They don't want me to hear them, obviously.

I can.  And I am beyond caring.

I can hear them all leave, their silent, yet deafeningly loud footsteps walking away, back down the hall.  It probably scared them, scared them all, seeing me like this.  Heh.  Yeah, well.  You don't just go and kill one of your best friends off and be just frickin' fine about it after a few days.  So what if I hadn't eaten in a while.  Or slept.  I didn't deserve it.  I deserved death.  Yuske didn't, Yuske hasn't, and Yuske still doesn't.

I was sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor.  The white walls around me seemed to close in as I sat there the lower part of my face covered by my folded hands, not moving, barely breathing.  Half hoping to stop breathing altogether.

But I don't.

Yuske Urameshii.  The guy who annoyed the hell out of me.  The guy who had successfully beat me up a number of times, before and after we became friends.  The leader of our little Girl Scout group.  Fearless, liked by people who knew him well enough, had a girlfriend who was the only person who could slap him in the face and live.  

He was dead.

And it was me who killed him, my fault.  Mine.  I killed Yuske Urameshii.

~FLASHBACK~

"Turn, you freakin' idiot!  Run!" someone yelled at me.  It took me a minute to realize I was yelling at myself.  I raced down the woodland trail, basically, screaming like a little girl.  We were in the mountains, looking for some rogue demons the toddler had sent us on.  Us, as in including Botan and the rest of 'Team Urameshii.'  We never met the demon, and it had been getting dark.  So we split up to collect firewood, hunt for food, grow plants for food (to which I think, oookay), build the shelter, blah, blah, blah.  I bitched a while about my job, as usual.

I hate collecting firewood.  I truly, truly do.

Anyway, eventually, I bent down to pick up a piece of log and straightened back up, suddenly facing a pair of huge, black eyes.  An enormous snake, thirty feet long at least, sat there.  And it was made of rock.  

Well, to keep things short, I tried to kill it, obviously.  And my Spirit Sword didn't leave a scratch.  Like trying to stab a steel beam with a sewing needle.  

So it, pissed off at me for trying to kill it, in turn tried to kill me.  Since staying there any much longer was seeming more increasingly bad by the second, I ran.  AND THE DAMNED THING FOLLOWED ME!

My plan was to lose the huge-ass rock snake, and not bring up why I was out of breath, sweating, and didn't have any firewood with me, which would almost certainly piss someone off back at camp.  But then, as we turned into a clearing (we had been running- well, me running, it slithering- though mostly trees and forested areas).  There was the last person I wanted to see at the time.  Heih, the shrimp fire demon.  We don't particularly get along, meaning that I hate his guts almost as much as he hates mine.

I used to thing that he could die and I wouldn't care, but I don't know about that now.  Not anymore.

His red eyes- all three of them- opened wide with surprise at first.  The rock snake immediately stopped chasing me and lunged after it's new prey, jaws opened wide, showing foot-long fangs.  I saw Heih's eyes immediately darkened their red color and narrowed as he drew a sword and attacked the snake. 

"It doesn't work, swords don't work on it!"  I yelled.  The snake stopped thrashing around and turned its head to me.

"Get Urameshii!" Heih called down to me, as if bored.  As if I'm a servant.

"Unnecessary," called a familiar, cocky voice.  A boy, shorter then me but taller then Heih, with short black hair jumped out from behind me and made the Spirit Gun pose.  "SPIRIT GUN!" he yelled.

Yuske Urameshii.

The rock snake got a full blast of the Spirit gun in the face.  And, apparently, a Spirit Gun does a lot more damage then a Spirit sword does.  It reared up.

And then, slowly, it fell.

But as it fell, one of its glistening obsidian eyes opened.  It saw me, standing no more then twenty feet away. I did not see it.  I was looking to see Kurama and Botan bursting out of the forest across the little clearing.

But as it charged towards me, I did.  

The rock snake was fast.

Yuske was faster.  

He smashed into me, knocking my over, ripping me aside.  

He slammed into me hard, hard enough to move me out of the way of the oncoming train of a snake.

The rock snake slammed into him harder.

And the minute I heard the sickening crack, the minute I had felt being pushed aside by my leader and my friend, I knew I had killed Yuske Urameshii.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I cannot feel Yuske's aura anymore.  I think he is finally gone," said Botan quietly.  We all stared at her in the bright sunlight outside the small house Yuske's body was being kept.  "He has either been reduced to something thinner then a ghost, thinner then anything I can see- or he has... he has finally..." she couldn't even say it.

"What are we going to tell him?" asked Kayco quietly.

"I don't know," said Botan, equally quiet.  "I really don't know."

We did not have to ask who 'him' was.

"He was holding onto that one hope, the hope that Yuske could come back," said Kurama.  "Now that that is gone, I hate to think about what he might do in a desperate attempt to make his rights with him."

"I'm not saying I care, but something needs to be done about this."  I stared around at Kurama, Yukina, Botan and Kayco.  "Kuwabara will kill himself if he carries on with what he's doing now, let alone when he learns that Yuske has gone into the Spirit Realm, and is not coming back."

"Indeed," said the green-eyed fox demon, flipping his red hair back behind an ear.  "Something needs to be done."

"Hn," I said, thinking.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CRACK!

A loud scream of painful agony echoed in my ears.  'Poor man,' I thought wearily.  'He must be in such pain.'

I hadn't know who it was then.

I was knocked backwards off my feet as the snake smashed into my side, its last blow before curling up in on itself, blinking blood from its eyes, dying.  As I flew backwards, I saw Kuwabara, halfway getting up, on the ground.  His jaw was dropped, his eyes were wide with shock, and his face held many expressions- rage, horror, pain, shock.  Even betrayal.  I knew that he would have gladly taken that blow then me.  He would have died.  It would have been 'better for the team' then if it had been me, he would have said.

There was a brilliant white light, blinding me, as I hit the tree.  I couldn't see through the light.  But I could hear.

"NOOOOOOO!"

"YUSKE!"

There were sounds of someone running towards me, stumbling slightly.  Or, to my body, curled in on itself, just like the snake.  I felt myself- no, my body- being pushed over, on to my back.  Hands shakily grabbing my right arm's wrist, trying to feel a pulse that wasn't there.  "I killed him," came a whispered voice. 

And my last thought before my soul left me was that it had been worth it.  Just like it had been worth it to save Kayco, it had been worth it to save Kuwabara.

And then I was gone.


	2. Of Demon Shrinks and Carefully Controlle...

All right!  Muffins to all you reviews!!! *Throws to the few people who reviewed* Review next time and I'll give you cookies!!! Episode Two-  Of Demon Shrinks and Carefully Controlled Hysteria 

I knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open.  Kuwabara was still sitting there at the back of the room, cross-legged and surrounded by candles, his back to the door.  Still facing Yuske, lying before him.  I would have though Kuwabara dead too, if it were not for the steady, measured rise and fall of his shoulders.

I swallowed.  Although I had the reputation of being the most understanding one of the group (which was why I had been voted to be the one to try to talk to Kuwabara to eat _something_), I had no idea at all how to do this.  How to you prove to someone that it wasn't his fault one of his best friends was killed?

"I brought you some tea."  And food.  I brought lots of food.  Please eat the food, I don't want to have to do a Heih and force it down your throat.

"Not hungry, thanks."  Kuwabara's voice, usually brash, annoying and loud, was reduced to a sandy whisper, like the grated murmur of a sick person on their deathbed.  Oh, wonderful similarity, Kurama, incredibly brilliant.  That's really nice, especially considering with what's happening to Kuwabara now.

I slowly walked across the room and set the tray down next to him, and sat down beside that.  He didn't even look up, and for a while we just sat there, my eyes down, his watching Yuske's face.  Waiting.

And finally, an idea struck me.  The idiocy of it shocked me, and I was sure Kuwabara would never buy it, but it was an idea.  I stowed it away in the back of my mind for later use.  And I resumed my position.

Finally, beaten in our silent waiting game, I said quietly, "Kuwabara, have some tea.  Please."  The last word had the hint of an obvious plea in it.

Kuwabara remained stock still.  And then at last he sighed, as though a terrible burden had been placed on him.  As he moved his hand slowly to take one of the cups, I risked a look at his face.  

His red-orange hair, usually the only thing he _could tidy, had not been fixed in days.  His hands had been covering his lower face, but had been removed to take a cup of tea, revealing a mouth in a tight, thin line.  His clothes were wrinkled, as he had not slept in days.  But worst of all were his eyes.  Bloodshot and red, their usual look had been replaced with a blankness, and only if you looked, truly looked, for any emotion, you would see them filled with inevitable agony and grief.  And above all, unshakable guilt._

I tore my gaze away from him and picked up my own cup.  At first Kuwabara stared at his cup as if trying to find if it was drugged or not, but then shook his head, as if to say, 'God, I really don't care anymore.'

He took a large gulp of it, then muttered, "What was it that you wanted, Kurama?"

I sighed.  Idea time.  "To listen to you."

He laughed, a terrible, sandy laugh that didn't suit him.  "What are you now, Fox-Boy, a shrink?" he asked softly.

"For you information, we can't exactly go to a shrink and tell them all of our problems without ending up in a padded room."

"Good point."

Silence.

"Oh God, Kurama, I'm fine," Kuwabara said angrily.  "I just need a little time to cope, all right?!"

I nodded slowly.  "Very well."  I drained the last of my tea and stood up.  I was resting a hand on the doorknob when I stopped.  "I will just tell you now, Kuwabara, an ear will always be open here if you need it."

I left, leaving Kuwabara sitting there, plagued by his guilt, not knowing what to say anymore, and hating myself for it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Everyone was sitting outside, most of our little group sitting on rocks and tree stumps under a large cherry tree.  And me, of course, in the cherry tree.  Waiting outside Urameshii's house, the others with baited breath.  We had waited out here for a little over an hour.  I knew because I kept checking Keiko's watch every ten minutes.  God, that stupid fox loved to take his time.   I was just announcing loudly that if he didn't come out soon I would set fire to the building when the doors burst open and Kurama stumbled outside, looking dejected.  Hn.

"Did he eat anything?" were the first words out of Yukina's mouth.

"Tea was the only thing he would drink, and I had to beg him to drink that much," he said softly, looking at the ground.

"Why didn't you force food down the stupid human's throat?" I asked.  "I wasn't kidding about that when I told you to do it."

"Why, Heih, I didn't know you cared," he teased me softly.  I had nothing to say to that, but I glared around at everyone to make my point clear that if anyone said another word that I would take my sword and personally stuff it down their throat. 

Pretty much only Kurama can get away with annoying the living hell out of me.

"Did you tell him?" questioned Botan, smiling quietly at my obvious response.

"I couldn't.  I tried to talk to him, but it didn't work.  Nothing worked."  Kurama sounded a little bit hysterical, and sounded as if he was trying to prove a point to himself.  "He just said, 'I just need a little time to cope,' and I couldn't tell him that Yuske just isn't... isn't coming back... and... and... God, I don't know!  This doesn't usually come up with me!"

Everyone stared at the slightly hysterical Kurama.  I knew why he was so worked up.  Yuske was gone, Kuwabara was going mad with grief, and as for Kurama... Kurama is always the one in control, the one with all the answers.  The sanest, smartest one out of all of us guys for sure, and maybe even with Botan, Keiko, and Yukina.  And now he was completely helpless, trapped in a terrible spider web that none of us could get out of.  

I had no idea what to say.  So, I said, "hn."

"Oh God dammit, Heih!  You go and talk to him then!  I'm spent!  Finished!"  He yelled at me, which was, fortunately, not very loudly.  He sat down on a large tree stump and cradled his face in his hands.  "I just don't know what to do anymore," he said, his voice slightly stifled.

I jumped off my perch on the tree.  "I believe I will go and try to talk to him."

I was halfway across the yard when a muffled, depressed voice called me back.  "Heih."

"Yes?" I looked back.  Kurama's head was still bowed.

"Whatever you do," he softly said, hardly above a whisper, "Don't look him in the eyes."


	3. Of Hiei’s Attempt and Unsurprising Death

Wow, thanks for all the support, y'all.  *Hands out lotsa food* FOOD FOR ALL!!!

Episode Three- Of Hiei's Attempt and Unsurprising Death

I woke up some time later.  I was floating over Tokyo, and, yeah, I was dead.  I was not surprised.

I was surprised, however, to find that Botan was not there, riding her oar, or whatever the hell that weird thing that she rode around on was.  I shrugged inwardly, trying to ward off the creeping feeling that I was missing something.  She just had to be at my funeral or something.  The second funeral I've ever had.

So I went to my house.

Oddly enough, everyone was outside.  I floated next to them.  They looked really torn up... what was wrong?  Surely my death hadn't effected them this much?

Kurama looked the worst.  He was just sitting there, his head in his hands, shaking slightly.  It scared me.  Sane, smart Kurama on the verge of losing it.

I shuddered at the very thought before going into my house.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I pushed open the door. Yes, that stupid human was still sitting there facing Yuske.  I walked up to the cot on the ground, and dropped down to my knees beside a tray.

Even without my physic gifts and Jagan eye I knew what the old Kuwabara would have been thinking.  It would have been along the lines of, 'Ooh, now Hiei is a shrink?'  And mentally would have laughed his ass off while I slit his throat to save face.  

However, the new Kuwabara simply sat there.  Staring straight ahead at Yuske's face, it seemed that he neither noticed nor cared that I was there, lost in his own mind, his face as blank as it could ever be.  

And, perhaps for the first time, I was afraid.  Not of Kuwabara, but for him.

I gulped and quickly looked away, glad I had taken Kurama's advice and had not looked him, Kuwabara, in the eyes.  

To make a quick comeback, I pulled a single, vacant candle out of my robes and lit it by stroking its wick with a fingertip.  Being the Forbidden Child can have its advantages.

The new light threw Kuwabara's face into sharper focus, and, forgetting Kurama's words of warning, I looked up into his face.

Kurama had been wrong.  Kuwabara's black eyes were bloodshot, but their usual look that nothing was behind them had been replaced for a look that something _was_ behind them- a glass wall.  But leaking out from that wall was terrible emotions, raging at themselves, battling themselves, internal bloodshed, fought in a single mind.  

I winced silently and quickly looked away.

"Do I look that bad?" asked a raspy, croaking voice softly.

I looked back at Kuwabara in surprise.  His eyes had still not moved from Yuske, and his voice sounded terrible, but he still would talk to me.  That was good.  That was good.  

"Hn," I said scornfully.  "You obviously do not have _my good looks."_

But of course I ruin it.

Kuwabara smiled a sad, bleak smile.  "Ouch."

Then I knew that I could not tell him that Yuske was resting the Spirit Realm.  If that kind of response was the best he could do for a comeback, then it was not going to be me who laid that on him as well.

Yes, you heard me right.  Me.  Hiei.  The heartless, indifferent loner.  The cold-hearted killer.  I could not break the truth to some guy I had to put up with, someone who would call me shrimp and who I listlessly threatened to kill because he was so goddamn annoying.  Someone that I hated most of the time.

And I couldn't even bring myself to tell him that he would not see his best friend again until he died.

Hastily, I stood up and left again.  I couldn't stay there anymore.  I trekked outside in a bad mood.  Aware that everyone was watching me, I passed them without a word and jumped into the tree, disappearing into the topmost branches, where I could see nothing but cherry blossoms and the sky.  And for a minute, all was silent.

Then, Kurama's voice, still smoldering, but soft and even, as if he already knew, called up to me, "Well?"

"I looked him in the eyes," was all I could reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You like it, you review it.  I promise if you leave a review, I'll leave a review for you.  If you flame me, it doesn't matter.  I'm not biased.  So leave a review and I review you.


	4. Of Hysterical People and Plans GoneWrong

Episode Four- A Hysterical Pair of People and a Well-Thought Out Plan Gone Wrong

I drifted into the room I had lain that last time I was dead, only to be nearly run over by Hiei, who came barreling out of the room, muttering vacantly to himself.  I looked around and was surprised to see that the room was dimly lit by a hundred candles around my body, and vacant.  It was only occupied by a single person who's face I could not see.  

"How long have I been out of it?" I asked aloud.  No one heard me. 

I slowly floated towards the person.

It was Kuwabara, and now I knew why Hiei had left.

Kuwabara's face looked tormented, and he was just staring at my body sadly.

_'I killed him.'_

Oh God, no.  

I sat down next to him, and he twitched slightly, and blinked, as if coming out a daze.

"I am sorry."

~~~~~~~~~

I see.

What's a life?

            ~~~~~~~~~

I jumped.  The terrible voice that wasn't Kuwabara's had just spoken- to me?  Could he see me?  "Kuwabara, can you see me?"

He said nothing, still watching my body's face.  _'Of course,' I thought glumly.  _'He's talking to my body- not me.'__

"I suppose the world is basically screwed now, now that you're gone."  He smiled slightly, but it was twisted somehow.

            ~~~~~~~~~

Played it

Like a card

~~~~~~~~~

"Oh come on, Kuwabara," I said angrily.  "The others are still here-"

"And oh, yeah, without you, our little Girl Scouts group is pretty much breaking up," he said, as if he got the gist of what I was saying without knowing I was there.  "Hiei will go back to the demon world, Kurama will probably stay in Tokyo.  Botan will go back to her Grim Reaper job.  Yukina- Yukina will go back to the Ice Lands."

~~~~~~~~~

You were never that good at cards,

My friend.

~~~~~~~~~

I stared at Kuwabara, not sure what he was saying- or not saying.

"And I-" he smiled grimly.  "I really don't expect to live very long."

I gawked at him, a little apprehensive now.

"After all," he said shortly, "How could any of them trust me now? I'm nothing.  I'm just some stupid, annoying, moron-"

"Calm down.  Kuwabara, calm down!"

"-who gets his best friends killed!  Dammit, Urameshii!  If you ever some back, I'll kill you again just for good measure!"

"DAMMIT KUWABARA!  CHILL OUT!"

"It should have been me who died!  Me!  But instead I did nothing but get you killed!  Damn you, Yuske!  We need you!  We all do!"  He stood up, his arms pinned to his sides, shaking furiously.  "I swear to God, Yuske, you didn't do me any favors!  How could you have- I- you- I KILLED YOU, AND IF YOU EVER COME BACK, I WILL KILL YOU AGAIN!"  Suddenly a lightbulb seemed to go off in Kuwabara's head, and he sat down again, curling into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees.  "God, what do I do?"  He asked himself softly.  "Is this what will happen to us all?  To Keiko?  To Hiei and Kurama?  To Yukina?  Stupid Kuwabara gets them killed?"

~~~~~~~~~

But you laughed off your loss,

I know you did.

~~~~~~~~~

"God dammit, you idiot!  Stop talking like that!"

He stopped ranting, his breathing shallow.  "I will not let that happen," he said through gritted teeth, with every ounce of determination and desperation he possessed.  "I would rather die then let that happen."

He stood up and walked away.  As I sat there for a minute, and just as I wondered whether of not I should have followed him when he returned, carrying a piece of paper, a pencil, and wearing a grim smile.  

It was then that I knew just what he had in mind.

"NO!" I screamed.  "I DID _NOT_ JUST DIE FOR YOU TO KILL YOURSELF!"

~~~~~~~~~

I can hear you laughing.

I'm not.

~~~~~~~~~

He scribbled keenly on the parchment.  "It's for the best," he muttered to himself.  "It's for the best, it's for the best..."  As soon as he finished one side, he flipped in over and wrote on the back.  "Done."

He looked at my body.  "At least I get to see you again," he said.  "However, when I do, I will kill you.  And then I have no clue where you will go."

He placed the note where he had sat and walked around my body.  Just as he was lifting the window's latch, he looked back.  He stared straight through me, as if he could see Kurama, Hiei, Yukina, Botan, and Keiko there.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.  "Good-bye."  And he was gone.  

But not before I was.

            ~~~~~~~~~

You only get one life.

One chance...

            ~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...Damn those cliffhangers.... don't hurt me!  


	5. Feeling Emotions Not Your Own and A Note...

Hello hello!  Glad you're back.  Read on, oh reader!  *Blows horn* 

**Naruke:  Chill!  Chill!  I didn't kill Kuwabara off!  *Cough*maybenotYET*Cough.*  Besides, I can't kill off my favorite character so easy!**

Kuwabara:  I'm you're favorite character?!?! Score!!! I KNEW CHICKS DIGGED ME!!!

Me:  I don't dig you, you moron!  You're easy to work with in stories.

Kuwabara:  SCORE AGAIN!!!!

**justluck88995:  Yes, yes I know... *sigh* look everyone, I know I haven't spelt names right.  I'm sorry.  Hopefully now I have it a bit under control.**

On to good stuff!

Episode Five-  Of Feeling Emotions Not Your Own and A Note Sealed with Desperation

We sat vacantly outside, not knowing what to do anymore.  Kurama was still sitting with his head in his hands, Hiei was still sitting in the tree in a sulky mood for some reason that only, apparently, he knew.  All of us were lost in our thoughts.

Then, something hit me.  Literally.

ZIP!

Something zipped by my head, as if an invisible bird had rocketed by me.  "What?" I asked loudly.

Kurama looked up.  "'sa matter, Botan?"  he asked.  

I raised a hand and whipped it at the air in from of my face.  "Something just went in front of me," I said.  "Something I couldn't see.  Something big."

Hiei's head appeared upside-down out of the tree, he obviously hanging, holding on to it with his knees.  "Something like a spirit?" he asked softly.

"YES!" I yelled.  Something was in front of me, I could sense it.  But was it Yusuke?  And if it was, what was he doing here?

Instantly I was hit with a strange, tingling feeling.  Whatever was there had just grabbed me by the shoulders and tried to shake me...

_Pain... terror... despair... desperation..._

What was happening?

_Desperation..._

_Something bad is going to happen... and Yusuke knows._

            "Kuwabara!" I screamed, jumping up and tearing up the front lawn in a mad rush for the house.  Yusuke knows... something bad is going to happen to Kuwabara.

            "Yusuke told me... as good as told me... that something bad is going to happen to Kuwabara!"  I yelled to the bewildered people behind me.  Hiei flipped out of the tree and followed me, and the others ran after.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Botan burst into the room as if the very Demons of Hell were on her tail.  We stared around, and I came to the quick conclusion that Kuwabara was, indeed, not here.  But he could not have been gone long, I thought, as I sniffed the air, my fox-demon instincts overriding my human ones.  We must have just missed him.

"Shit!" yelled Botan.  I stared at her.  I had never heard her swear before.  Then again, I had never seen her in such a panic, either.

I walked over to Yusuke's body.  Where Kuwabara had sat there was a piece of paper lying there, written on with an untidy scrawl.  

"What is that, Kurama?" asked Keiko, first to see me, my head bent over the paper.  

I looked up.  "It's a note," I said.  Clearing my throat, I began to read the hastily scratched letter.

To Botan, Kurama, Hiei, Keiko, and my beloved Yukina:

Hey.  It's me, Kuwabara, obviously.  I guess you're wondering why I've written this.  It's because I feel I have contributed enough to this team, and I am leaving.  I am not going to see any of you again, so please remember me by this last letter and the few good things I have done, and not for all the stupid things I have.

To Botan:

Hey there, Oar Girl.  I guess I'll see you soon enough, huh?  Keep everyone up in their spirits for me, okay Grim Reaper?

I know you didn't know me as well as you did Yusuke, but I hope I will have left a reputable memory for you to think of and will not leave your mind scarred, as I suspect I might have done.

To Keiko:

Watch out for the others for me, okay?  None of them, and that includes you, Hiei (Hiei scowled), can take care of themselves, when you have proven to our little group that you can do it yourself well, I know you can beat me up, at least.  I know I can count on you.  

PS.  I _know_ I have left your mind scarred.

To Hiei:

Okay, I just wanted to say that I don't think I hate you as much as I thought anymore.  That's all.  Oh yes, sorry I scared you away earlier.  I must look pretty bad.  Heh, heh, heh.

To Kurama:

I wish I could have taken you up on that shrink deal, but I don't think I could have gone halfway through it without you drugging me (I paled and swallowed).   Thanks anyway for that ear that was always open. I think I might have needed it, but, you know me.  I'm the stupid one.

And finally, to my dear Yukina:

I love you so much, girl, but I'm sorry.  I just want you to be happy, beyond anything else.  I just want you to be happy.

You all must understand this.  I don't want to hurt any of you.  That's why I'm leaving.  I am hurting our team with my weakness and stupidity, and I have already sworn to myself that I would die before I ever let anything happen  to you guys.  Good-bye for the last time.

                                                            Kuwabara

I threw the note away as if it was on fire.  "Do you know what that means?" I asked in a shrill voice.  "He's going to kill himself!"

"We have to look for him!" yelled Yukina.

"Spread out and search the city," said Botan, holding out her hand in which her oar appeared, and jumped on it.

"Is that wise?" asked Hiei in a silky voice.  "He is not going to come quietly with us after all, and as many people as possible in a group would be better."

"I'll be a scout then, you lot follow-" called Botan in a panic, soaring out the window. We made haste to get out of the house and trail after her.


	6. Of Last Messages, Crossing a Line and A ...

Damn those cliffhangers... oh well... one more chapter after this, THIS IS NOT THE END.   

Listen, the angst gets kinda thick in this chapter, Kuwabara wants to kill himself, remember?  So I'M BOOSTING THE RATING FOR THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OF ANGST.  I have no idea how well you guys tolerate really sad angst, but let me tell you, this chapter's pretty tear-jerking.  

I think most of you guys can handle this but don't say I didn't warn you and flame me because of sad-ness.

Episode Six- Of Last Messages, Crossing a Line and A Very Pissed Yusuke Urameshii

I walked along the busy sidewalk of the city, my hands stuffed in my pockets, taking in the sight of my Tokyo before I ripped it away from myself.  Everything seemed with so much more color... the flowers, the sky, even the dark gray buildings.  I had never really noticed it before.  As people pushed past me, I gave a last look at every one of them, remembering every one.

Every once in a while, I'd glance behind me, to be sure no one was tracking me.  No one was.  However, I still had the shaky feeling that someone, or something, followed behind me.  

~~~~~~~~~

One chance,

One destiny...

~~~~~~~~~

Finally a large, blackened alley came into view, and I turned into it.  Once inside, I went all the way to the back and sat on a crate.

I had no idea what I was waiting for.  Any minute they could come.  If they had already read the note, Hiei would be tracking my very footsteps from the window to the streets to this very alleyway.  If Hiei refused, (which he was bound to), Kurama would have done it.  And yet... something told me to wait.

And then I knew.  

I looked up.  Something was there.  Botan, maybe invisible to my eyes.

"Botan, go away."

The thing was still there, sitting on the air, watching me.  I could tell.

"Whoever you are, go _away," I said in exasperation.  "Or don't!  I don't even care anymore, because I'll be joining you in a minute!"  The spirit-thingy swooped at me.  And then I got the tingly feeling.  _

_Helplessness... desperation... anger..._

I shuddered involuntarily and turned my head away as the spirit-person's feeling merged with mine.  I shook it off and stood up slowly.  Whatever it was, I was going to have to ignore it if I was going to get this done.

I flipped at my sleeve.   A switchblade flew out it into my hand.  I stared at it a minute, collecting my thoughts.  

I would never see Kurama, Yukina, Keiko, or Hiei ever again.  I would never see any of them ever again.

At least I could see Botan and Yusuke.  

I opened the knife.  Its razor sharp edge glinted in the half light.  

_'It's better this way,'_ I thought, my mind blissfully blank,_ 'They'll be safe... they'll all be safe from *you*...'_

Images, flashes of memory, flashed through my head in a flood... Yukina, crying her beautiful aquamarine tears... Botan and Keiko walking through the streets happily... Hiei in the middle of a dark forest, sitting on a tree stump, cradling an arm indifferently, glaring at me... Kurama standing beside him, putting an arm protectively around his shoulders, eyes burning... That had been the time when we had thought each other enemies...  And Yusuke, just giving that kind of indifferent shrug, while all the while keeping an eye on whoever he 'didn't' care who died.

I shook my memories away, and, to test the knife, sank it into my thumb.  Deep crimson blood welled up and dripped down my hand and fell to the stone floor, splashing up to hit my shoes.

Drip.  Drip.  Drip.

I slowly moved the knife to my other hand and cut my right forefinger.  And, as if I had planned it all, I wrote one simple, single word on the crate next to me, for Yukina, Kurama, Keiko, Botan, even Hiei.  And maybe even for myself.

_Good-bye._

I smiled at my own insanity.  And then, I slowly etched it into my hand, cutting deep onto my hand as I made the large letters, then flipping my hand, and etched a series or thin, long lines, but deep just the same, on my palm.

Dripdripdripdripdrip...  The blood was falling more freely as the knife slid over my skin, up my arm, down in and, until I was choking back screams of agony.  Then, finally, I raised the white knife and I slashed my arm's elbow up to my shoulder, biting back a scream as I ripped through my skin, tearing muscle, and cracking bone, the deepest I had cut.

_They're going to be okay..._

I smiled grimly as the world got foggy.  

            ~~~~~~~~~

One true light.

And you wasted that...

            ~~~~~~~~~

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            _"What the hell are you *doing?*"_

_            I looked up.  Yusuke Urameshii was sitting cross-legged on the air above me, glaring at me.  "What I want to know is WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING KILLING YOURSELF WHEN I DIED TO KEEP YOU ALIVE!" he yelled._

_"Am I dead?" I asked stupidly._

_"No," he said angrily.  "But you cut yourself anymore-"_

_"How can I see you if I'm not dead?"___

_"YOU'RE CROSSING THE LINE," Yusuke roared._

_I looked around.  Everything did seem hazy...  "But... you're a ghost?  How come I didn't sense you before I got into the alley?"_

_"It seems I'm not even a ghost anymore," he said grimly.  "More then death, less then a ghost."_

_We stared each other down before Yusuke sighed and looked away.  "Look, it isn't your fault I'm dead."_

_"Yes it is-"_

_"NO, it's NOT," snapped Yusuke.  "I'm the one who saved you God dammit, I should know whether or not it's my damn fault or yours.  I just want to *try* to talk you out of this kamikaze trip, okay?"_

_His voice had changed to hold an unnatural plea in it.  I stared at him through narrowed eyes, then said begrudging, "I'm listening."_

_"Look," he said, jumping right in, "Think of what everyone's reaction will be if they find your body here.  They lost me, and now they have to lose you, too?  Why Kuwabara, I think that's really quite selfish of you."_

_"No one will miss me," I said shortly._

_"Are you kidding me?!  And if you're thinking about Hiei-"_

_"Well he's on top of the list, obviously," I snapped.  "Not like I care, stupid shrimp."_

_"Hiei came in to talk to you earlier, didn't he?  Who else talked to you at that time?"_

_I stopped._

_"And if it's about talking to me," Yusuke said, "I'll be hanging around a while.  It you want a word, Ill zip into your dreams every once in a while."_

_"Well... you know how I get in my dreams..." I mumbled.  The two memorable times that Yusuke had popped into my dreams were memorable indeed.  Once, he had to help me because I fell asleep for an important test I needed to pass.  I, literally, studied in my sleep.  _

_The other time he needed my help.  He needed the 'Breath of Life' in order to come back to life, or, he needed to be kissed.  And his choices had been narrowed to me, Keiko, and his mother, only his mother was too drunk to do anything.  So he popped into my dream and told me to kiss him, out of the blue, so that he could live again.  I woke up in a cold sweat, and both of us had been traumatized._

_Yusuke seemed to know what I was thinking.  "Yeah," he grinned, "But don't worry, if I ever need to be kissed again, I'll be sure to ask Keiko first."_

_And for the first time in nearly four days, I grinned, and laughed, he with me._

_            "Does this mean that you'll go back?" asked Yusuke, cocking his head._

_            I paused.  "Yes, for now.  If you must know, it was for the safety of the team that I was going to kill myself."_

_            "You didn't kill me," he said softly.  "I sacrificed myself for your life.  That doesn't make you the killer, so get out of your damn guilt trip."_

_I looked down.  _

_"I mean it, Kuwabara.  The others need you.  You've got to be there to help them, because obviously I can't."_

_I looked up at him.  "More like they need to help out me."_

_"You've saved their lives before," Yusuke said.  "This is, of course, their chance to pay you back, so I'll doubt if they miss it."_

_            I smiled.  "Do drop by sometime, okay?"_

_"In your dreams," he said, and we laughed._

_"Oh... and on a last note..." Yusuke suddenly gave a smile of pure evil.  "Please tell our dear Hiei that the masquerade should probably end on his note soon, or I'll go and tell everyone myself."_

_"Wha?"_  I asked.__

_Another evil laugh._  "Don't ask me!  Ask him!"__

_I grinned.  "Good-bye, Yusuke Urameshii."_

_"Good-bye."_

_And as he vanished, I left the surreal world I was in and was brought, with an unpleasant CRACK, back to my __Tokyo__._

~~~~~~~~~

...All for my deck to be able to 

Fold...

            ~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just because he wants to come back doesn't mean he can... can Kuwabara hold off and live?  Or will he die there, never telling his friends that he was sorry?

ONE CHAPTER TO GO!


	7. Of Spirit Energy and Predictions Come Tr...

Me:  I actually cried when writing this chapter.

Kuwabara:  *Hiding in a corner* I can't believe you made me go through that!

Me:  I'M SORRY!

Kuwabara:  WHY DO YOU GET KICKS OUT OF WRITING STUFF LIKE THIS?!

Hiei:  I would.

Kuwabara:  SHUT UP SHRIMP!

Kurama:  Hey children, play nice.

Koenma:  Why aren't I in this?

Me:  Oh... damn... sorry ^_-

Shitzuru:  I know!  Me too!

Me:  I'M SORRY, OKAY?!

Yes, this last chapter actually made me cry while I was writing it.  It's... sad!  *sniff.*

Oh, and this is the LAST chapter.  Enjoy, enjoy!!

Kuwabara:  Enjoy, she says... good GOD...

Me: Eh-heh-heh-heh... ^_^;;

Episode Seven- Of Spirit Energy and Predictions Come True 

SMASH!

            I landed hard as my feet slammed into the ground and my knees buckled.  I hadn't felt myself leave, but obviously I had.  I felt giddy and lightheaded as I moved.  I swayed out of exhaustion and grabbed the crate for balance, my blood leaving hand prints, my knuckles turning white either from gripping the box so hard, or the lack of blood flowing through my veins.  I passed a hand over my face, trying to ward off the dizzying feeling, not really even noticing or caring that blood was cascading down the same arm to splatter into a puddle of my crimson reflection at my feet.  

            I took a deep, gasping breath.  I had lose so much blood... it didn't matter that I had, halfheartedly, changed my mind at all... I was going to die anyway...

My friends... I would never see any of them again... never... 

My legs finally buckled and I brokenly slid to the ground, my back to the crate, a single word written above my head.  

_Good-bye._

'This is the end,' I thought, strangely peaceful.  'Good-bye...' 

            Suddenly a strangled yell split the air.  "KUWABARA!"

            I focused my eyes dimly right to the opening of the alley, on a black blur speeding towards me, ahead of four other shadowy figures.

"Oh, dammit Kuwabara!" the figure who could only be Hiei muttered furiously, his voice catching slightly.  "Damn you, you stupid-"  I heard a ripping noise, he was tearing off a strip of his tunic, tying it around my shoulder hurriedly.  A tiny _clink_ was heard, and I swear a split second before I saw some glittering darkness fall from one of his eyes.

Botan's face appeared above me, her vivid blue eyes glittering in the same way Hiei's cold red ones had.  "Come on, Kuwabara, you can pull out of this, you been through much worse-" she said, her voice gasping.

"Botan."  I whispered, almost choking on the effort of saying her name.  "Just like I thought... keeping spirits up, as usual-"

"Shut up, Kuwabara," whispered another voice to my left, Keiko.  "Shut up and hold still.  You can pull through this, it's not so bad, Hiei's fixing it up right now, come on Kuwabara, don't do this to us..."

"And Keiko," I muttered, aware that my eyes were blankening.  "Taking care of everyone, just like I predicted..."

The sounds of sobbing was heard behind the group... My mind was spinning... Everything looked so dim...

Kurama's head appeared above me, pushing Botan's aside, his green eyes shining.  "Kuwabara," he said softly so only I could hear it, voice cracking, "I have a deal.  If you give me another chance, I promise not to drug you."

I stared at him, and wondered what he was talking about before nodding slowly.  "Thanks, Fox-Boy," I whispered weakly.  "That means a lot... now..."

I looked up, beyond Kurama's face, into the cloudy figure sitting in the sky, steadily becoming more clear.  "I guess I passed the line anyway, huh?" I told it softly.

"Just hold on, Kuwabara."  Not Yusuke's voice, but Hiei's.  "Just hold on a little longer..."

Suddenly, the smoky form of Yusuke gestured at me.  And from far away, in the back of my mind, I heard a voice scream, "SPIRIT GUN!"

This invisible blast hit me square in the chest, and I smiled.  I had never thought that _Yusuke would __ever have used his brain in the face of fire, and yet here he was, shooting a blast of his Spirit energy to keep me alive when he was dead.  It all made sense._

And then I finally passed out, my eyes rolling into the top of my head.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_Yusuke was sitting (well, floating, really) next to me in a world with no ground or sky, brimming with color.  He prodded me.  "Awake?" he asked me, grinning like an idiot._

_"Yeah, thanks to you," I grumped, rubbing my throbbing forehead with a forefinger and thumb on either side of my eyes._

_"No, you're still asleep," he said.  "But that's just as well, or I wouldn't be able to talk to you."_

_Realization hit me.  "I'm not dead?!"_

_"Nope._  Unconscious.  I saved you," he said proudly.  "**Again."  **__

_I fell over with disbelief.  "How's everyone?" I demanded._

_"They're still in a right state of mind," Yusuke said.  "They don't know what to think.  But I think you'll pull through," he said blandly._

_I still had a chance on dying.  I still didn't know if that was bad... or good._

_"You know, I don't think I've ever seen Hiei look so upright freaked out at the possibility that any of us were gonna die," Yusuke said happily.  "It's kinda weird you know, being that you and he have a history of hating each other."_

_"No..." I said, as just realizing something.  "I don't hate him, not really..."  I thought back to Hiei sitting next to me, coming to try to cheer me up, remembered his dismay at not being able to find the words... then, Hiei sitting next to me, ripping his tunic into strips in a panic, to stop me from bleeding, from dying... a single, black shape falling from his face..._

_"And I don't think he hates me either," I finished._

_"Humph," said Yusuke, not looking convinced.  "I wouldn't bet my life on it."_

_"You don't have one to bet," I told him, grinning blandly, then had to dodge a good-natured punch._

Yusuke Urameshii.

Our fearless leader.  The guy who annoyed the hell out of me because he had nothing better to do.  The guy who would always be there to help any of us, even when he was dead. The guy who had saved people's lives he didn't even know. The guy who had saved my life more then once, and I've saved his.

And he's done it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ta da!!!  I hope you liked it...   I'm writing a sequel to this story, by the way!!!  It should come out soon... remember, the most reviews, the faster I type!! ^_^  I think it's going to be a songfic called **'Breaking the Habit.'**   So if you like this story you'd better put me on author alerts. ^^  

Good-bye for now!!  


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